Some Silly Sentiments

So, these couple of months I've been thinking a lot (but not too much okay), probably because I'm still not that busy or occupied. I think I should really enjoy this moment before life gets busier? Anyway, ever since I confirmed my result (ya, last semester results), I was very very disappointed of myself. Though I worked real hard to fight for what I want, but last minute efforts just can't seem to salvage what's done, no matter how much I've sacrificed.

Okay, stop beating around the bushes. What I want to say here is, I regret so much and I have no one to blame but myself. I flunked my papers. Of all the subjects in four years of study, those were the only two papers I got C's. OMG! Seriously, I swear to God that if I could turn back time, I wouldn't have let it happened! Those two subjects which taken during a short semester was the detrimental cause of my final CGPA! I felt like crying my lungs out, regret, really, not because of the things that happened, but rather my incapability in handling the matters properly in the past. 

I think some of you who are reading this, could roughly guess what I've been babbling about, right? Well, for some of you who don't, here you go: I made a hard decision, had some emotional break down, had been sleeping late in that particular semester (and ended up sleeping during the lecture), and, well, poor time management skills juggling studies and events. I was just thinking, why couldn't I handle it in a cool and steady manner, treat it as if it's not my business and feel no emotions? Why? Why was I the only one flunking the papers while the other party was doing just fine? 

Not that I find it unfair or anything, it's just that, was I the only one who cared too much that I hurt that much? But all these while when I dug deep into my memory, I couldn't find any concrete events which show that I cared. Oh, wait. Is this where the mask issue comes in? One of my friends said that, sometimes she feels as if I'm wearing a mask that she hardly knows anything about me. Was there a mask then? Had I been wearing a mask to face the world? To say harsh words even if I don't mean to, to act as if I don't care just so I myself is convinced, that I'm strong? 

To pay back the PTPTN loan is not what I want to emphasize here, neither was a feeble attempt to apply for remarking of paper (ya, my International Economics). Rather, I've been feeling... Fine, I don't know how to put them into words (my vocabulary is not that strong after all). I mean, I could have done better! Why? Why did I sleep during the lecture? Why was my time management skills sucks? Why was my EQ not high enough to cope with everything which happened back then? Why?

They say, everything happened for a reason, but I wish I know what the reason is. Seriously. Is it a lesson, to teach me how to prioritize things? Or, is it a lesson to show me the consequence for acting recklessly? Or, were those a series of events to show me how weak a person could possibly be? Or wait, to make me realize that, no matter what happened to me, or around me, time passes, things go on, and people move on? If I still live in the past, and bring the baggage into my present life, or even my future, I'm sure I'm gonna be doomed. Since they say results are not everything (a mere ticket to the working world it is), I'll pick myself up from here then.

Wait, wait wait... This post sounds so emo wey... It doesn't have to be though that's exactly how I've been feeling these couple of weeks. Well, let's look at the bright side. I managed to score A's for four out of five subjects (except that #$%@!^&* Econs paper). Wait, not that I hate the subject or the lecturer or anything, okay? It's just that I didn't get A for it and that's why I'm quite frustrated (still quite a little even until now). I was kind of proud of myself (in a way), seriously. I wasn't really in the usual group for group assignments and I led new group to get A, presented exactly the way how I wish I could, and... Okay, on a not-so-academic part, there were a few suitors then.. LOLOLOL..

One of my friends (though I've never met him before.. lol), who is a free-thinker, once recommended me a book on appreciation and faith. He is a super active person and I really wish to meet him in the near future, to feel his positive aura and enthusiasm towards life. I kinda wish to practice this, and that's why, though my results are real disappointment to my family (especially myself), I know that I've done my best. Besides, I really learnt a lot and experienced how it felt like to be a lone-ranger. To appreciate all the happenings and believe that each and every event makes me a stronger person.

Oh ya, on a separate note, I'm grateful that I'm gifted with healthy body, functional limbs and a supposedly sane mind. I don't know if this has anything related to the title of this post, but I bumped into a handicapped a few days back. He was literally blocking the way and I heard some people criticizing him. I watched him from afar, sympathetically, and suddenly, I realized, I'm lucky. I'm fortunate to have what I have, health, family, few close buddies, studies, and soon-to-have a career. It keeps me ponder, did I take anything for granted, or have I been taking anything for granted? You know what, I have no idea why suddenly I got so sensitive~~~

Anyway, wanna know one of my new habits? I listen to this song every morning before I start my day. And I know that, "this is gonna be the best day of my life" :)

One of my favourite songs...
(Apart from "You Who Came From The Stars"'s OST).. Haha..

Fighting!!