My Ideal R/ship

This post is titled "My Ideal Relationship" instead of "My Ideal Boyfriend", is that, I believe, relationship is a two-way commitment. No matter how perfect you wish your partner could be, you yourself must have the fair share of contribution. Well actually, a couple of months back, my friend and I were talking about friendship and erm, the topic eventually evolved to one about relationships. We kinda provoking each other for the truth, as in, deep down inside, what kind of relationship that we truly wish to have. Different people have different view. Some say, two people with similar interest would get along well because they will always have the same thing to talk about. When both have different interests, when one talks, the other tends to listen, without engaging much in the conversation and thus, it ends up as one-way communication. While some say, the opposite attracts. When your partner has different interests as yours, you tend to know more about things that you don't. Thus, both play a role in broadening the knowledge of one another and improve together.

In my personal opinion, there are always two sides for everything, just like coins. There are no absolute advantages or disadvantages alone. Let's take the word "trust" for example. There are quotes like, "A relationship without trust, is like a vehicle without fuel. It drives you nowhere". People always say, trust is very important in every relationship. I do not deny the notion, BUT it involves the effort from both parties as well. When A fully trusts B for everything he/she does, B should feel honoured to be given such trust and continue to earn her/his trust. There is a saying, "Trust is earned, not given". If B is too confident that A will always trust him/her no matter what happens or what other people say, and he/she starts to take it for granted? Aha! There's where problems start to rise. I bet some of you must have heard of how accurate the female instinct is, right? We can easily sense whether the other party is lying or not, trust me. If B is naive enough to always keep A in the dark and thought A will always trust him/her, B will loss her/his trust. They say, "Actions speak louder than words". No matter how B tells A the extend of his/her love for her/him, A would always believe what she/he saw with her/his own eyes. Guys, don't ever think that you could outsmart a girl, okay? Anyway, I'm just saying, both parties should not take "trust" for granted.

Well, since the title of the post is "MY ideal r/ship", I better talk about it from my own perspective rather than sharing what I read from the internet or what I heard from my friends on their relationship. For some of you who don't really know me, I'm currently at my early 20s. If I were to say I've never been in a relationship before, some of you might even laugh at me and label me as a LOSER. I know, there are people out there who do this, they thought high school is a good place to start having a relationship and look down on people who haven't had any yet. There is a saying, "Fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely". That's why, I admire people who focus on their studies and didn't get distracted (or should I say tempted) by all the "sweetness" displayed by couples out there. They are so determined to achieve what they desire rather than engaging into a relationship which may turn out to be a mistake (CT, you are one! Ahem..). Though they say don't be afraid to make mistake, a heart break is not a joke. It may take up to years to heal, or NEVER! (Eh, not me, okay?)

I erm, ya, I kinda had a relationship before but I'm not going to talk 'bout it in details on how did it start, what happened in between or even why did it end. Because, frankly speaking, it takes me more than a year to slowly, and truly discover the reasons behind everything. Ya, everything happened for a reason, right? Sometimes, I would think that, opted for a break-up appears to be a result of anger (though I was too calm and I was surprised of myself). But I took months to make the decision. Sometimes, it appears to be a sign of my tiredness, because I could no longer deal with what I had been exposing to. And maybe that's a sign of my weakness too. Sometimes I thought, that was what I'm supposed to do. Long story short, learn from mistakes and don't repeat it again. It would be good enough, I think.

I think I do now.

1. Two-way Communication

Some of you may not believe this but erm, I'm not much of a person who could express myself easily. There are quite a lot of things which I keep to myself. I was once a talkative person, played and joked around with friends. While he was an outspoken person. The differnce between talkative and outspoken is that, by talkative, you talk about anything, including "nonsense"; while outspoken means, communicate for the sake of networking. Before the relationship, we were just like normal friends and always had endless topics to talk about. It was not unusual for one of us to interject while the other was speaking. Things changed when we were engaged in a relationship. When he was speaking, I tried to listen attentively out of respect, hoping that he would do the same when I speak. But the thing is, I rarely spoke! As time passes, I became a person who? Lazy to speak! Whenever he spoke, I listened, and erm, my mind kinda swaying away in my own thoughts. As I'm a person who always keeps things to myself, I hardly share my feelings/emotions with him. For example, sometimes I may find him irritating but erm, ya, I just beared with it. As time passed, I felt as if I had slowly becoming an introvert. And I started to think, is this really me? Though he used to say, "Listen with your heart, not with your ear", I erm, I couldn't I think.

Sad but true, this is the world today.

In my opinion, two-way communication is good, but not in a way to "manipulate" your partner. Like I've said, he is a person who can really express his ideas, opinions, suggestions and all for group assignment or presentation. But he is also good in expressing his feelings/emotions, too good that sometimes, I felt as if he was just over-reacting or exaggerating it. As time passes, he kinda drew the "line" for what should I do and what must I not do. It took me quite some time to realize, I had been losing myself all along the way to so-called "compromise".

2. Mutual Trust

To be frank, I'm not a person who trusts people easily. I mean, if you are referring to entrusting part of an assignment to the team mates and ask them to send me for compilation, no problem. I always believe that, with proper guidance and briefing on what I want from them and what they are supposed to submit to me, they will do their job well. I won't instruct them how to do, but what to be done, and thus, I'm always "surprised" by their outcome (be it in a positive or negative way.. lol). In terms of work or events and stuff like these, trust is essential to get job done. So, I think the same goes to relationships. However, if you want me to entrust my feelings onto someone hoping that the other party will honour it and won't take it for granted? It really sounds like a mission impossible to me. I know many of us must have been back-stabbed by others before, people sold you out for their own benefits and so on. I used to brush it off and act as if I didn't experience something like that because, I don't want people to label me as a stupid dumb dumb. So, when it comes to relationship, I was very much, too reserved and "conservative".

I used to be a happy-go-lucky kind of person (its how he describes me), but when we become more than friends, I started to think too much, or in his words, it was too much of a paranoia. In my opinion, I would say, I was too naive back then. I thought if two persons love each other, strong enough, nothing could tear them apart. However, here are two things that I believe in, (i) If you love someone let them go, if they come back to you they're yours; if they don't they never were; which is similar with "what is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what isn't, no matter how hard you try, will NEVER be" (ii) Have faith in God for, He will always show you what you should know. One thing I don't understand is that, why didn't he choose to be honest with me? There were numerous times where I found him with his ex, I even heard from my friends who saw them kissing at nights. When he didn't make a sound, should I confront him? No, why should I? If he denied all those "accusations", should I trust him, or should I trust my own eyes?? The answer is clear enough. I had been giving him chances over and over again, but he chose not to tell me everything. Each and every time, I felt as if he took my trust for granted! So? That's why I find this quote candid:

3. Mutual growth

When we were friends, I kinda wished to be in the same group with him for the assignment because, he possesses a very strong command of English. I wished to learn more from him. And things worked out exactly the way I wished it to be. I learnt the way he delegates the tasks, the way he leads the team, his presentation skills and so on. And I like that. I like the fact that I'm learning and wish to be better. Though I'm still not as good as him, the fact is, I'm far better than most of my peers and I feel proud of it. (perasan right?) However, things started to change when we became more than friends. He undertook all the assignment, as if he was afraid to trouble me or burden me (it could be the fact that he looked down upon me as well, okay?). He rather sacrificed his sleep to accomplish a group assignment whenever group mates sent him "rubbish". I refused to accept his help, you know, but whatever I sent him for compilation, he would only use at most five sentences! As if what I sent him was "rubbish" as well. Of course I offered my help but to no avail. You know how it felt like? I felt like I was so useless that I couldn't even contribute anything to the assignment, oh except for that five sentences lar. zzzz. That's why, some times, I would even use the word "overprotecting" me.

As time passes, I started to question myself, what can I really do? What am I capable of? Do I have the same ability to do all that without any help, just like how easy he appeared to be? What are my strengths and weaknesses? Do I really understand myself? Do I know what I want or who I wanna be in the future? He is a person who has all his future well planned and is always ahead of the rest. He knows his life goal and who he wants to be in the future. He has been constantly pursuing his dream and making effort to seize opportunities around him. Me? Technically speaking, I'm one-month elder than him but I didn't seem to have any clue on what I want my future to be. I don't know, I mean, I asked him before, why was there a difference like that, and he said, perhaps it was due to the different family upbringing. Does his family educate him in such a way to always plan for everything? To sacrifice so much for the sake of a team, just like the Japanese's team spirit? I'm not sure though. Not that I do not value/appreciate his sacrifices, its just that, it somehow made me uncomfortable, it made me felt bad about myself. Am I a useless person or what?

Like how he phrased it,
"we were trying so hard to impress one another".

4. Mutual respect

I think I was kind of naive back then, oh wait, and selfish as well. Whatever I wanted to do, I'll straight do it without concerning of others' feelings. He, on the other hand, is a very arrogant person. Maybe he is too perfect, or close to perfect, and thus, he always looks down upon others. I mean, he is kind and always ready to help in the sense that, he won't expect anything in return. As what I mean by arrogant is, he always looks down upon females, regardless girls, ladies or women. He always thinks that, men are more superior than women. Do you need any examples? "You girls, can't even drive a car properly, what more of a reverse parking or side parking?", "You girls can't even take care of a car yet expecting your 'rich' husband to get you big cars?", "You girls can't even earn your own money yet expecting your husband to buy you this and that? So demanding wey!", "Look at the Top-20 organizations in the world, how many of them are female CEOs? Women just can't manage huge business yet want to prove that they can! You know why Google worth more than Yahoo!? Look at their CEOs!" and many more! Who is he to look down upon women? He himself was born and raised by a woman as well, okay? Can't he show a little bit of respect? Did he really care how I felt like? It was my fault too for just laughing it off instead of bringing it up for a talk.

I was wrong too when I occasionally (quite often though) went out for dinner with some guys or even hangout with them during the weekend. I mean, of course I did inform him, but I didn't really "ask for his permission". Sometimes I found it hilarious when he was mad at me for this while he, on the other hand did the same behind me. Having said that I caught him keeping in touch with the ex, right? Was he being honest to me? Did he really respect me as his gf? If he could do things behind my back, why couldn't I?  I know, I was too naive right? He always sees his kind more superior than mine. Well, in the perspective of course mate/group assingment mate, I did ask his opinion or advice before I made any amendments or something. I acknowledged his capability and thus respect him. Wait, does it mean that women are not capable of anything that's why he looks down upon on us?? That's why throughout the length of time, we hardly respect one another and we often hurt each other. We kept challenging each other's bottom line to explore how far we could go that we failed to realize how much damages we had done to the relationship.

5. Public Recognition, Security, Appreciation

Well, I don't think there were much people who knew that we were in a "relationship". First of all, I myself wasn't convinced that I was in one in the first place either. And since people see us as bro-sis, it made some sense that we appeared to be closer than normal friends. I think, even some of my friends were just guessing if we were in a relationship when they happened to see some "public-display-affection". Actually, during that period of time, the insecurity in me, felt like I didn't deserve all these "sneaking-out". I wanted everyone to know, that we were in a relationship. In fact, I want the whole world to know (when I thought we were meant for each other, of course). However, as time passes, I realized that, this is probably the best decision ever made, for the sake of "face", again. So, no one has to know what happened, and I don't have anyone to answer to. I can still pretend as if nothing had really happened between the two of us and continue to live my life like the way it was. I can still wave and smile to those who once "suspected" that we "got a thing", and talk to them as who I am.

As compared to those couples in the school, they hold hands when they are together, be it to the class, or for a meal or anything they are going to do, as long as they are together. I'm not saying that I was using this as a benchmark or something, it's just that, I kinda wanted that. Like I've said, after being with him, I become a person who afraid to talk and so, I didn't really bring it up to him about what I wanted. When I joined his friends for a meal or something, he just introduced me by mentioning my name, without mentioning who I was. Then, when he joined my friends, ya, I did the same thing. If he was not proud enough to acknowledge me as his gf in front of his friends, I couldn't find any reason why should I be. And, having said that, he was seen to hang out with her ex at night though he made an effort to spend the day with me, I found it reasonable to deny this "relationship". People asked me, "Actually, we are wondering, are you his gf, or that girl staying a few blocks away? Because we always see him with you two only. But, which one of you is the official one?" Its too blunt, right? Ya, but that's what I got back in the days and, I'm glad that I don't have to response or emotionally being affected by it anymore. Because, we are now, two parallel lines.

Speaking of appreciation, I'm not sure of his side of the story but I'm pretty sure about mine. I do appreciate what he has done for me. The thing is, I didn't know how to show/express it. Usually, I would just smile and say Thank You, which in his eyes, might appear to be too shallow or insincere. When he did something which hurt me, he would, of course try to talk it over. But, what's the point if he made the same mistakes again? Like I've said, I had given him too many chances that he thought it was a must for me to forgive him whenever he bought me something just to show how sorry he was. I mean, c'mon! Am I a three-year-old kid who can be bought just by some candies? =.= As for my part, though I didn't really do anything particularly worth remembering or reminiscing, I sacrificed my circle of friends for him too (stupid right). Did he appreciate it?? Anyway, it doesn't seem to matter now seeing that, everything has gone back to the way it should be.

To conclude:

The points above are basically what I think I've learnt from my past, to help me realized what I seek for from a relationship. I mean, that was the only "relationship" I had, what I said here may not be able to represent the whole picture of what an ideal relationship should be like. However, I'm grateful that I've learnt so much throughout the length of time, the differences between the two of us made me know myself more, as in, understand myself more in terms of, what kind of person I am and who I wanna be, what I want and what I find intolerable. When two people with distinctive differences get together, there would be frictions from time to time and finding the middle ground which suits both is the ultimate challenge. In order to reach that middle ground, sacrifices and compromises are crucial in the sense to contributing a stronger relationship, rather than making commitment into the wrong direction. In other words, the results of your sacrifices and compromises may not be what the other party wants, and when that happens, finding out what he/she wants is more important than blindly devoting yourself and lose yourself along the way. And there is where the above comes in, communication, trust, respect, understanding etc, to building an ever-lasting relationship. Of course, a long-lasting relationship doesn't just consist of these five elements, there are MORE, and I'm pretty sure you could find it in some books/articles or from family/friends/personal experience.

Well, on a separate note, if I were to describe my ideal boyfriend, of course there are few basic ones, such as, doesn't gamble and smoke, has better command of English than me, must not be shorter than me lol, it would be better if he could play musical instrument (piano or preferably violin), earning power should be more or less the same as mine (for both our "faces") rather than earning less than me (to avoid "humiliating" his little dignity). Which mean, I won't prefer guys who earn too much. Weird right? Because usually girls would like to marry rich guys. To me, if my boyfriend earns much more than me, I would feel imbalance in myself, again! Erm, I hate guys who don't wash face (it smells oily), don't tidy up their hair, don't shave, and sulky. Frankly speaking, my ex was kind of a perfect partner when he suits all of these descriptions. However, only when you come across that person, to truly interact with them, to find out and know more about them, their principles of life and so on, do you see the difference and impact on you. That's why, the "criterion" for a partner is not enough, though it may act as a "guidance" to look for one, only when you truly engaged with one, do you find out if he/she suits you best. Like what I always told him, "We can't see what each other see, thus can't give what each other wants".

Some of my friends keep on asking me, "Why not you get yourself a boyfriend? Are you really that hurt and afraid to start a new relationship?" Even my ex asked me (sometimes when we "keep-in-touch"), "Have you found the right guy yet?" The thing is, from what I understand about myself, I have weird personalities. Not anyone could bear with me. Instead of engaging myself in a new relationship and hurt the other party, and most probably hurt myself along the way as well, why not staying single? What's wrong with being single? If I were to engage in a relationship, I think the first thing that I need to change is my reluctance to share my feelings/emotions, the communication barriers I have with people. Of course I can speak fluent English and would not find much difficulties in working life in the future. But when it comes to relationships, I think this disability to open-up would be one of the devastating factors in my future relationship as well (if I happened to have one lar, of course). That's why sometimes I think, its better off for me to be alone than "contributing" harm to the society. lol. See this:

That's why I find it hard to open-up? Hmm~

Sorry to have written such a looong post, again, which might have "accidentally" bored you to death.

No one is an absolute right or wrong in a relationship, because, I believe in the word "timing".
If you end up meeting the right person at the wrong timing? You know how it ends...
Before signing off, there's another quote which I wish to share:

You may wanna like their FB page: Click here.

Bye!
P/S I do appreciate everything that happened to me for, I am who I am today after what I've gone through.