Heavy

This is the reason that struck me to update my blog. If you have not heard of it yet, Chester Bennington, lead singer from Linkin Park (LP) has committed suicide couple of weeks ago. I was so shocked when this news blasted all over my Facebook. After reading few articles about the incident, it really put me into deep thoughts about my life and the world that we are living in today.

I have this habit of updating my IG stories of some of my “current addiction” that I’ve put on replay whenever I’m pulling up a night. So this “Heavy” from LP was one of them. Little did I know that, this saddening incident happened few days after. Not that I’m a big fan of Chester in person, but I’ve grown up listening to LP’s songs. Most of their famous hits are on my YouYube playlist, including his most recent “Heavy”, which is believed to be one of the reasons that triggered his suicide. I was so emo, seriously, not for one day but few, even until now. It’s still very difficult for me to accept the fact that, such a talented and inspiring singer has left us.

Driven by a strong sense of curiosity, I put down my work for a while and went on scrolling through the comments left under the “Heavy” MV in YouTube. I was curious as to what would some of his fans feel about this incident. Do they feel the same as I do? To my surprise, majority of the comments that got the highest number of likes and thus ranked on top of the comments section, are left before the incident, mainly criticising how humiliating that LP is now making musics like that of Chainsmokers’s. They said they are disappointed of LP and are surprised that LP even got the nerve to release sh*t like this. This is so heart wrenching really. However, one of comments caught my attention, which sounds something like this, “Listen to the lyrics guys, it sounds like a cry for help. I can’t accept this.” 

Then one day, while I was driving, this whole incident came bugging me again. I carefully ran through the lyrics, over and over again, and without me realising, tears started welling up in my eyes. Below is part of the lyrics from “Heavy”:

I don't like my mind right now, Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

Wish that I could slow things down, I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic

And I drive myself crazy Thinking everything's about me

Yeah I drive myself crazy 'Cause I can't escape the gravity

I'm holding on, Why is everything so heavy?

Holding on, To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down

If I just let go, I'd be set free

Holding on, Why is everything so heavy?

I wonder what was Chester going through. I read that he had got depression and had been receiving treatment and that some of his songs are expressions of what he had been through. I tried to relate his situation to mine, and tried to put myself in his shoes, starting to imagine different possibilities of what could possibly meant by the above lyrics.

Was it that, all Chester ever wanted to do, was to make musics that reflect who he is, who the band is, and stick back to their signature genre; but the production house went, “See? People are getting hooked up with genre such as Chainsmoker’s, could you at least try to make something like that? What’s the point of making music that only your own self would appreciate but not your fans? Your style has been the same since more than a decade ago, everything gets old, you see? Shouldn’t you try something new and gain more fans by doing music that they like instead? You might not care about your paycheck but you are putting all of us, the stakeholders’ interest at risk! See how much views Chainsmoker’s has gained in such a short period of time for some of their latest releases? This is the era of new generation now, and they have got different taste, could you please cater to that and be more considerate on us? We have got BOD to answer to!” 

Not that I hate Chainsmoker’s or that I’m antagonising them here okay? I’m just trying to rationalise how and why it happened. This “Chainsmoker’s” could be anyone/any band. The above conversation might not even have been taken place as well, might be just my own imagination, but the possibility is there, is it not? Relating to the lyrics in “Heavy”, maybe this song is not one of those that Chester made willingly. Okay, I rephrase, maybe the lyrics are indeed from him, but the rhyme could be not? Argh, I’m not sure what am I talking about here. When I watched the video where some of the audiences of his concert threw things at him, it hit me real hard. What had he done wrong?? What did he do that deserved this kind of treatment??

I have been having the above hypothesis in my head all these while that I have nowhere to express so I thought why not write it down here and also at the same time, clear my thoughts? Since it’s so relatable to my current stage of life. 

Like what I mentioned earlier, I tried relating this incident to myself. Well, as a starter, do you know that, I’ve been unemployed for more than a year now? Ha! Not much people know about this actually, only some of my closest of friends know what I’m currently doing/pursuing LOL. Back to the topic, ever since I took the step out of the work force and tried adapting into the new environment/ecosystem, there have been countless of times where conflicts hit me. I’ve been in dilemma over and over again during this one year time. 

I’ve been wanting to document this like, as a daily journal and stuffs, but I guess part of me just afraid of doing so. Reason being, I’m a long-winded person! Whenever I try to write something down, I tend to think too much and over-analyse stuffs that eventually, an intended one-page documentation would most likely end up to be few pages which would take me hours! Yup, I don’t have the privilege of spending few hours every day on journaling just yet lol 

P/S I think this entry of mine is a very good example to illustrate how long it could actually end up with. For the record, this is 4 pages in my Microsoft Word LOL

This one year has exposed me to many things, some of which I’ve figured out and thus, have better and deeper understanding about myself, and some of which are still pending to be figured out. 

1. I’m not good at sales not because I’m bad at it, but because I feel bad about it.

Some of my closest of friends have always been saying how I would succeed in sales line because I’m very talkative, making every meeting a highly engaging one, building rapport with everyone, and that I always have strong reasoning and justification to convince people to see and understand things from my perspective. But after trying out sales for 6 months, my performance was a total opposite. That time I still didn’t understand why so but now I do. 

I feel bad at the thoughts that, I approach you, befriended you just because I want to get sales and business from you. It’s like you intentionally approach a person with an agenda to gain benefits from them. Once you achieved your objectives, you leave them. You still stay with them only because they are still valuable to you. Once it’s depleted, you toss them aside like a rag doll because spending time on them is very much a waste of effort. I’m not a person who would feel comfortable making connections with someone just because my only goal is to “use” them. I’m not saying that all sales people are selfish or money-minded or mean or have no conscience. I’m just staying that, I still can’t seem to be able to switch my mind-set yet at this moment.

I mean, I do like to know more people who are more experience and more knowledgeable because I’m a person who likes to learn. They said, “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time around”, “you should never be the smartest person in the room. There’s always going to be somebody who’s smarter to learn from, and that’s a good thing”. “Learn from” and “use” are two totally different things. Because we grow together by learning from each other, and learning never ends. “Use” does, and can often be measured by monetary terms, and it’s often not a balance equation.

So yeah, it took me 2 years to understand this and it’s definitely something that I need to fix. Perhaps, I do need some help from the professionals.. 

2. I’m not a person who feels comfortable at networking because it’s terrifying to know new people, but because I’m terrified with fake people.

A couple of weeks ago, my partner and I were discussing about a topic relating to networking, how she would filter the name cards that she received whenever she attended an event, and only keep in touch with those whom she thinks would benefit our business/herself on a personal level. She then asked me how do I filter. I was like, “Err, I don’t. I mean, I don’t have a set of checklist to filter out people who don’t meet my requirements or something. It’s all based on instinct.”

I’m a very rational person when it comes to facts and figures. But when it comes to human elements, it’s all instinct. Once upon a time, a mentor of mine, told us to train our instinct, harvest our instinct, and learn to trust our instinct. I’m not sure how I done it, but so far, every person that I’ve met in my life who has guided my through difficult times, and shown me things that I couldn’t have possibly seen on my own, they are all drawn to me by nature. 

I don’t have a systematic way to filter, and my instinct is still not 100% accurate yet, and that’s a very dangerous thing for me. Sometimes, I never know if someone is wearing a mask. Sometimes, everything seems so real and sincere, but you never know if it’s just a ploy to gain your trust and subsequently you fall into their schemes. There is a saying, “Some people come into your life as a blessing, but some come into your life as a lesson”. But I guess this is the only way to sharpen my instinct then?

That’s why, networking has never been my strong suit simply because, I’m afraid. And, this is something that I need to fix too.

3. Finally, the point where Chester’s incident struck me. 

Should you care about how people judge you? Should you give up on what you believe in just because it’s against the expectations from your loved ones and people whom you care about? How do you deal with the pressure exerted? Should you forsake your true personalities, and sometime humanity, to join in the clubs with people who master the games? In Chinese we call, 同流合污. 有句话说，“行走江湖，身不由己”，“人不为己，天诛地灭”，“强者生存，弱者身亡”，“胜者为王，败者倭寇”，and many more.

Sometimes, I do care on how people judge me, and how people perceiving me. Because when it comes to business, first impression matters, and their opinions of you matter even more. If they don’t like you, not only they won’t do business with you, but they will also influence people around them to not do business with you. That’s how rumours and gossips and critics travel and spread and that’s how contagious they are, screwing you over just because they are not happy with you or hate you or despise you for something you have not done, something that is not valid and not proven. This is when an innocent person like me, who is not good in expressing my thoughts and defending my stand, is defeated and victimised. 

Sometimes, you really have no choice but to wear a mask. I know a lot of people who wear masks not because they want to, but they have to. Some wear it with an intention not to get hurt, but some wear it just to hurt people (like what I mentioned in point #2 above). Sometimes, if you keep quite and keep enduring the way people bully you or take advantage of you, they will think that you are weak and thus bully you even more. Sometimes, you have no intention to hurt them but in order to survive, you have no choice but to stand up for yourself and retaliate. 

This is the part where I need to figure out. It’s a dogs-eat-dogs world, part of me wants to do whatever it takes to be successful in becoming who I want to be, but part of me is afraid of turning into someone whom I could no longer recognise, someone whom I feel ashamed of becoming. I’m scared that my conscience would be consumed by the dark side of me that craves for money, power and fame. 

Would I still be able to hold on to my values? Oh wait, am I over-thinking stuffs again? Sigh, I guess there’s only one way to find out!

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There are still many more but these three are the most pertinent ones at this point of time. Sometimes I think that I’m still young and have plenty of time to explore and discover and understand more about myself. But sometimes, it feels like 24hours a day is not enough that all I could do is to survive. Survival seems to be the top on our priority list during dilemma and difficult times that, it makes conscience and morale seems like something we could care less 😔

Anyway, I think I should wrap this up before it gets even longer lol.. Truth be told, once I let my thoughts run wild, it’s pretty hard to stop and that's how it makes me very long-winded lol Btw, the title of this post is like a tribute to Chester so I hope my entry will not be treated as some kind of IP infringement? 🙏🙏

Ok ciao~

Wishing you guys all the best in life and take care! 💪