Fear

~ Waking up to a brand new day is a gift, be grateful ~

While I'm penning this, I'm thinking, what should the title be? What is the exact word to describe my current situation, and what I'm feeling about my life. I would probably figure it out while half way blogging or at the end of it.. I don't know.. Hmmm..

Anyway, I've been away from my blog for quite some time now. One of the reasons is that, I've been busy with my life. Not "working" kind of busy though, it's more like "figuring out" kind of busy. I'm confused. I don't know where to go, what more on how to get there? I'm not even sure if I sound coherent enough here with what I wish to say.

Perhaps it's the peer pressure. They say, don't compare with other people because each of us are unique. But how could you not compare? How could you be oblivious about all the achievements attained by your peers? How could you be so carefree and just let things flow in its own way, when you could at least make an effort to improve your current standing? How could you succumb to life when you have not even tried? How could you keep looking for excuses to "defend" yourself when everyone around you are doing their best to fight the best fight? Why your peers could make it and why can't you? How is it that they are able to build things up one step at a time and you just can't?

Those were my thoughts in these recent months. I'm not very sure of what triggered them. Perhaps the insecurity. Perhaps the kiasu-ness. Or perhaps, I'm just feeling lost.

And now, like what I did in the beginning of the year, I repeated it again. My sleep cycle disrupted. I have been having irregular meals at odd hours. I started feeling dizzy more often. My fingers started to form wrinkles under running water after a mere 5 minutes. But I thought I would be able to get through this again, just like how I did like half a year ago. I never knew I was wrong.

It happened few days back, when I was at my yoga class. We were just doing some normal stretching as usual. But something went wrong. After around 10 minutes into it, my vision started to turn darker, with countless of white flickering dots. My hearing was getting weak. As if I was going to lose my sight and gone deaf. I tried to blink a few more times, with each time harder, in attempts to gain back my normal view, but to no avail. I tried taking a deep breath, but it was still the same. The dizziness crept in, it was getting harder to balance myself to even stand still, I felt as if I was going to fall and black out. It was getting harder for me to comprehend what the instructor was asking me, I answered merely based on her lips movement and any voice that I was able to catch. This was the first time I felt so bleak, so helpless, so scared.

But my mind was working fine. I could still think. I even asked myself, what would happen if I black out? Would somebody admit me to the hospital? Would someone contact my family? What if my situation persists and I could barely have a clear vision, how should I drive back home? Would it be dangerous? And all the other thoughts just kept flowing through my head.

Only when our instructor asked us to do the downward-dog pose, everything came back to me. And there, rushed through a sense of relief. The first thing I did when I reached home, was staring right at my own reflection in the mirror. The sense of relief had long gone, leaving a trail of fear. I looked at my reflection in the eyes, and reminded myself to start having balance diet. Please at least have some vege each day. Though it could be just a slice of cabbage, just eat the damn thing. Please change my eating preference one step at the time. Please don't sleep late anymore. Please eat regularly. Please learn how to let go. Nothing lasts forever anyway, both good and the bad. Please this, please that. 

The more self notes I was leaving to myself, the more my eyes were welling up with tears. The thoughts eventually changed course. And I started thinking, if I were to die, would there be anyone who would feel sad? Would anyone feel remorse enough and find it hard to move on from the fact that I'm gone? Would anyone still remembers me as someone who once crossed path with them? Have I touched someone's life? Did I make a positive impact on anyone? Or would they just forget about me as if I have never existed at all in the first place? Memories fade, after all...

As the thoughts flew, I could no longer hold back my tears and I broke down. I don't want to see my life ends at such a young age! There are still a lot of things that await me to explore, to figure out, to work on, to achieve. 24 hours a day ain't enough. There are so many things to do, you know?

Then I told myself to stop crying. Looking back at the mirror again and said, you look ugly when you cry, ok? Your eyes are big enough, but with them swollen up, they are even bigger now and it's ugly. Please stop crying. Crying doesn't help. You are wasting your time. You always say actions speak louder than words. So please hold yourself back up, brace it through and march forward. Do whatever you need to do to stay healthy, stay alive, and live a life.

You can push yourself over the limits all the way you want, but at the same time, always remember to focus and relax. You must learn how to slow down your pace, interact with nature, spend time with your loved ones and leave sometime for yourself. And reading leadership books or market outlook feeds ain't consider as spending time for yourself. Please have a cup of coffee in the garden, enjoy the peaceful view of flowing stream and vivid greenery, feel the breeze across your face, listen to the birds singing and think of nothing, leaving a blank canvas in your mind. And most importantly, please exercise regularly.

Stumbled upon an entry posted by one of my favourite bloggers Bel, which I could super relate to. This piece from her came just at the right timing, just what I needed to put myself together. They say everything happens for a reason, and may be there is a reason why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going through a divorce at this time. I was very jelly of them as they definitely gone through hell lots to work on towards a happy life, a happy marriage, a happy family. But it seems like, nothing really lasts forever. I'm not saying this from a third party view who just sees things from the outside. I know things as I'm part of what's happening in my life.

Katy Perry released a new single Rise in the early of August and that really motivated me a little. That was when I was having a hard time and this song just happened to boost my desire to fight again. May be these are all parts of God's plan? To teach me a lesson, to show me the harsh reality, to  show me what life really is, how vulnerable any human could possibly be, and to break me down into millions of pieces, only to have me fixing myself back up and stand on my own feet again. That's why somehow or rather, these signs constantly appear on my radar whenever I'm down?

I'm forever grateful that there are these few people who are always there for me when I needed someone to talk to, or to hear me out. You know who you are! ❤ ❤

Well, I think I shall end my rather emo post this time with a motivating note:

"Be fearless - even if you have to fake it 'til you make it." - Adriana Gascogine

Wishing you guys a wonderful days ahead. All the best and cheers!

~ Waking up to a brand new day is a gift, be grateful ~