Idle

That's right. IDLE. That's the title I come out with after days of contemplating the best word to describe my current status of life. Well, jobless sounds too low; thinking about life sounds.. too cliché? Anyway, constructing this entry has costed me few days of my life (though not literally 24 hours x no. of days).. Just, I left this post in the draft and each and everyday, I try to amend it here and there just so it doesn't sound emo or anything (And I really hope it doesn't). Ya, I must always remember the objectives of having this blog of mine! *Checked!

Screen-captured from Google.

P/S: I notice that my writing style here is somewhat different. More like talking to myself. Or two of my-selves debating one another. Oh well, you may as well perish the idea of reading it further down. Rest assured, I don't mind the least.

Here's the deal, regardless how "smart" the title looks like (though I doubt that's how it could sound like in any way possible), it can't seem to deny the fact that this is the best word I could think of (ya, probably due to the fact that my not-so-good English has become even worse now). Anyway, besides unemployed, do note that the word "idle" may be used to express (i) without purpose and; (ii) move aimlessly; too. Ahem!

A glimpse of my life after graduated from my degree in Dec: 

Got a job, relatively steady and handsomely paid (at least that's how it appeared to me), which I applied when I was entering my final semester, then entered the working world when my peers were still studying or travelling. Quit that job and got another better one (in terms of benefits and remuneration, not so on the survival part though), and it brought me to where I am today. Whereas those who were busying enjoyed their life while I got a job, has now proudly (at least I hope they are) stuck in one.

A summary of what I've learned about myself from these two jobs:

- I prefer to interact with human rather than facing monitor the whole day, eg: reply emails instead of do the talking.

- I like to talk, and may have been perceived as someone who must be good at selling, but doesn't mean that I like sales. And, talkative doesn't mean persuasive either.

- Or, may be.. May be I do like sales? Just, not really the products/services that I was involved in?

- I noticed I like Finance, though I kinda liked Marketing in degree, I like Finance now. Oh wait, is it possible that our interest changes over time? If it is, what if it changes again? Hmmm..
- I'm not comfortable with comfort zone. The reason why I changed two jobs in two years time is because, I feel the need to take the leap in order to find what I really passionate for. I don't want to just work for the sake of working and earning money. (This could be a weakness of mine in the eye of employers because they want loyal staffs who can work for long term. Not like me, quit just because it doesn't feel right) Well, at least I'm being honest with myself right? Oh well...

I've been in the idle state for weeks now, and it really gives me ample of time to think, not just about my interest, my passion, my life, but the whole idea of purpose as well. What's the purpose of living? They say, we live to serve, like Mother Teresa, "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one", Mahatma Gandhi, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others" etc (these are what I found from Google). So, I just wonder, do people study medic because they are passionate about acquiring the knowledge to help people? In other words, do they study medic so that they could save lives? Or do they study medic because it seems like a professionally steady way to earn money? Or the reason they wanna make money is to make family proud, or make themselves proud? Well, you feel proud when you are more successful than your classmates right? Anyway, it depends on how you define the word "successful", and that's another matter all together. (no offence to those who truly love saving lives, I was merely curious).

On the other hand, there's a friend of mine (kinda friend though we never really meet before, just added him in FB and have been following his tumblr), who decided to leave his job in Singapore (which pays him 5-digit monthly salary after converting back to MYR) and pursue his interest. He likes helping people grow, and there he is now, a life coach creating positive impacts and transforming people's life. Another example would be one of my university lecturers, one of whom I'm still in touch with. He has the same passion as well. Though we have long graduated, he is still kind to offer coaching sessions to help us get through life. I'm grateful that he invited me, and that we are meeting up soon :) So, does everyone live life to serve? Or everyone has a different purpose in life?

My grandma too, is a person who loves serving other people. My dad would always bring up the topic of money and accused her of having no financial knowledge in managing, or rather keeping the money. My dad, aunts and uncle gives her pocket money every month, but she saves nothing, not for the past, say 20 years? (I think so, I'm 20 over years old now) Little did he know that, my grandma actually spends a lot in temples. Not to be superstitious or anything here, alright? We always hear some temples offering free vegetarian food during some God's festivals/birthdays thingy, don't we? Where do you think they get the fund from, to supply the free flow of food? My grandma would be one of the numerous people who make donations. She contributes not just for food, for some of the maintenance/construction of temples too. If she happens to bump into someone who has no job and filthy, she would give them some money to buy food too. She is the most kind-hearted person that I've ever known. (not just in terms of money, but in all other ways that I don't feel the need to write it here) Well, she might not be as noble as Mother Teresa or Mahatma Gandhi, but those are good deeds too, aren't they? 

Speaking of my grandma has really brought my thoughts back from roaming too far. I erm.. We had a fight, a huge fight, the biggest fight that had stroke between us ever, in last year July, and we had not spoken to each other ever since. There you got me, I'm selfish, sulky, stubborn, and.. childish even, right? I admit, it's very difficult to speak some senses into me when I've set my mind on something. If I said it's prohibited to do so and you did, there's no turning back, you have crossed the bottom line and I won't allow it. They say, when there's a first time, there will be a second, third etc etc.. I've compromised too many times and there I was, decided to shut them all out when she crossed it that yet-another time. More than half a year has passed, I don't know if I've made my ground clear (apparently I hope I had), but we ain't talking until something happened. My grandma was eating the biscuit and started choking out of a sudden, which got my aunt a heart attack as my grandma looked as if passing out with insufficient air. And I wasn't at home that time. Rushed to hospital, my face expressionless, didn't know how to react. That's the moment I realized, life is so fragile. Long story short, though we are still not as close as last time (of course right, fixing up needs time, does it not?), I hope we will be in no time.

Where were we? Oh, purpose. Ok, now its the jobless and moving aimlessly part. I realized I've been moving from job to job, shouldn't I be clear of what my passion is now? As mentioned earlier, it has been weeks. WEEKS! Is it possible to get life missions all figured in weeks? I know it's difficult but I've been thinking. I don't want to live my life aimlessly. Speaking of which, someone asked me, have I thought of marriage. Well, I did express my thoughts before with another friend of mine in uni time when he erm, sort of courting me? Anyway, how am I supposed to give a thought about marriage when I can't even see my future career in, say one or two years time? (though I would like to say five or ten years, 'cause that's usually how people talk about career planning, is it not) How am I supposed to think of having a family, running and managing it, when I can't even manage my own life in ways I wish I could? (wait, is this where the part "selfish" comes in again?) I mean.. I just.. It's such a shame to feel so helpless and clueless about what I can do, and should do about my life, you know? When I say it's too early, too young for me to think of this kind of stuffs, people just think that I'm not mature enough, not serious enough to plan things ahead etc. C'mon man! Fate is not something we can plan on, ok (at least that's what I think). To me, many things can be planned, just not this. You may plan a wedding, but definitely not marriage (they are two totally different stuffs all together anyway).

Wait, coming back to the point, aimlessly. Now that I've figured I like Finance, I think I should really start doing something. Like, well, read some investment materials more passionately (though I have been from time to time, just not that passionate back then), or may be, start looking for new job in financial industry (as long as not sales job I guess?), or may be attend some finance seminars? Then what? How do I use my knowledge to help people? Help them earn more money from investments? So they could survive the upcoming global crisis? Or what? What should I do with my knowledge to make their life better? How do I enhance their life? They say, rich doesn't mean happy? If I help them make money, do I make them happy? Like today, my dear CT said, there are just some people who are content of their lives as it is now, though they might not be rich at all, they just simply feel content, satisfied, and happy. So, I'm once again at the cross-road now. (Oh, btw, I've thought of using "Cross Road" as my title though. But since this post ain't solely on cross road, so I abandoned the thought.) Or, am I just thinking too much, like over-thinking stuffs? Is it too early to start figure about "the purpose of life" thingy? Our human brain is only THIS big, am I over-loading it? Or, this has nothing to do with brain at all, but heart? After all, passion is what we FEEL right, is it not?

I stumbled upon a book on Michelle Phan while waiting for my friend in the book store. The book is about her life journey and how she is inspired in the beauty line. She didn't even finish her diploma because she then decided to embark on a journey that she had never dare to hope for in her wildest dream, from being a brand ambassador, to having her own channel, her own product line, and her own companies! She didn't plan all this, she simply follows her instinct and does what she feels right, things that make her feel empowered and energetic and the feeling of looking forward to the new challenges ahead each and every day. The most important thing is, she is doing things she loves! And she is making the best out of her life! You don't need a degree, or master, or any certificate in that regard, in order to lead a successful and happy life. The one thing that FUEL our everyday life, is PASSION. And of course, faith, and determination, and all sort of other positive energy that you could think of. But one thing for sure, all these energy can only lead you this far if you have no passion on things you do, right?

Anyway, on a separate note, I'm going for a trip SOON! Muahahahaha.. I shall fully indulge myself in the current idle state of mine, to think everything through, to clear my thoughts, and to pave the path ahead. "Fail to plan is planning to fail" (again, this doesn't include marriage). This is the state whereby I'd have the time all to myself, so I better make full use of it right. And then it's vacation time. And then, it's a whole new life challenges ahead. 

Gonna end the post with this:

I'm so inspired and tears welling up the first time I listened to it.

My goal: To "fly" by a-quarter-of-a-century years-old... *fingers-crossed*

I hope you get inspired and motivated too.
Most importantly, discover your passion, harvest it, and let it glow.
Let's Fighting! がんばって!!